Taking Sides & Making Judgments

How is that divorce cases always become about sides? Have we learned nothing from our own lives -- that is: most things are not black and white and are often very gray? Let's take a peek at the divorce cases making headlines in the last two weeks: Elin Nordegren vs. Tiger Woods - and - Jamie McCourt vs. Frank McCourt. From the Blogsphere this week on Wood's divorce: "Her divorce all but a formality, Elin Nordegren Woods will very soon walk away from her six-year marriage with Tiger Woods with approximately $100 million ... I say, Kick ass Tiger. It'll only be a matter of time before the capricious media is on your side again."

There was a lot of banter on whether or not Elin "deserved" the money. I think this is ridiculous - how can we as a society decide the value of their marriage (let alone their divorce)?  Even courts don't try to decide that -- instead looking to a dissomaster to spit out the correct answer.  Most importantly, how can we criticize ELIN when it was Woods' zillions of affairs that brought their marriage to a tumbling crash? I usually don't like to comment on people's marital affairs as there is soooo much behind the scenes; however, in this case I really must say that Elin has been nothing but a class act.  She handled the infidelity news with grace and dignity. 

I was particularly impressed with Elin's interview in People Magazine. In her own words: "My immediate plan is for the kids and me to continue to adjust to our new situation. I am going to keep taking classes, but my main focus is to try to give myself time to heal." It was refreshing to hear from her directly to put some closure on the whole mess.  I can only imagine how hard it must have been for Elin to do that interview and I give kudos to her for being brave and forthright.


And from the Blogsphere on the McCourts: "The McCourt case may end up being the most-discussed case of all recent divorce cases. It is the ultimate Hollywood he said-she said, a saga that includes Malibu mansions, millionaire ballplayers, conflicting legal documents and some of the country's most accomplished -- and most expensive -- attorneys."


Like the Woods' case, the McCourts are dealing in a dispute in the hundreds of millions. Unlike the Woods' case though, allegations of Jamie cheating on Frank have not been confirmed (although I'm not surprised there is infidelity underlying both cases). The McCourt trial started this past week and we are definitely in for a bumpy ride.


Obviously in the law there are always at least two sides (A "versus" B). And the news media, while trying to remain fair and balanced in their reporting of the stories, inadvertently (sometimes) leads us to one side or the other. Whether or not you think Elin deserves her 100 million dollar settlement from Woods or whether Jamie should share in the Dodger empire with Frank, I'm sure we can all agree that public divorces are a source of some fascination (especially when the divorce involves a large amount of money) but really is a private matter where our big mouths and noses should not be.

We all know there is always much more to the story then what we hear. Even between non-divorcing spouses, people often cannot get the facts straight.  (Just ask Andy, we fight about the "facts" everyday -- he still is insisting that Hannah got up in the middle of the night Saturday when both she and I say KNOW she did not).  Divorces often begin with different views of the "facts" that gets rolled into other issues: childhood problems, our psyche, etc. 

Isn't the real issue that we all have flaws and its much easier to point the finger at others than look at ourselves? Well, I'm going to start (I hope a new trend) in that I'm going to admit that marriage is hard, that I'm a handful and I have a ton of flaws.  (Thankfully, Yom Kippur is not till next week so I don't have to start admitting and apologizing about them till next week.)

As we sit in here in judgment of others perhaps we should spend a few moments judging ourselves, looking at our own story, and deciding for ourselves whose side would you be on if you were being told your life/marital story. In the spirit of Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year) we should take this time to reflect on our own relationships and see where at and how we could be better.

Whereas the Woods' case has wound down for now, the McCourt case is gearing up, and all of our own lives continue on each and every day.  How about using today to decide what side you are on in your own marriage, relationship, or in life? Are you happy?  What would you say about yourself on a gossip rag?  Don't worry you don't need to share, you don't need to write it down, just think about it... especially when you start talking about others.

Have a Happy 5771 and Jewish New Year to those who are celebrating!

No fault divorce in NY!

New York is one of my favorite places. It makes me feel alive and connected to the world. I love that it is place that sets the trends, fashions, and finances for the rest of the country. But how is that it JUST now is finally becoming a "no fault" divorce state! For those of you who are not up on the legal implications, here is a brief description: "No fault" divorce basically describes any divorce where the spouse asking for a divorce does not have to prove that the other spouse did something wrong - i.e. "where the dissolution of a marriage does not require a showing of legal wrong-doing by either party".

Laws providing for no fault divorce allow a family court to grant a divorce (in response to a petition by either party). The person bringing the petition doesn't have to show a breach of the marital contract (e.g. infidelity or other kinds of wrongdoing). Laws providing for no fault divorce limit the potential legal defenses of a person who would prefer to remain married. Put simply, it doesn't matter if you cheated, if you lied, or if you are a piece-of-work, it means you are getting divorced and no one cares why or who is to blame.

A fault divorce: required grounds are present and at least one spouse asks that the divorce be granted on the grounds of "fault". Only some states still allow fault divorces. The traditional fault grounds are cruelty (inflicting unnecessary emotional or physical pain) -- this is the most frequently used ground for divorce.  Other grounds are things like adultery, desertion for a specified length of time, confinement in prison for a set number of years, physical inability to engage in sexual intercourse (if it was not disclosed before marriage).

A critical difference between fault and no fault is that one spouse cannot stop a no fault divorce (objecting to the other spouse's request for divorce is itself an irreconcilable difference that would justify the divorce); whereas a spouse can prevent a fault divorce by convincing the court that he or she is not at fault. California was the first no fault divorce State (as of January 1, 1970). By 1977 nine states had adopted no-fault divorce laws. By late 1983, every state but South Dakota and New York had adopted some form of no-fault divorce. South Dakota then adopted no fault divorce in 1985. New York was basically the last hold-out.

The National Organization for Women (NOW) sent out a Press Release last week asserting that this law will give judges permission to ignore "cruel and inhuman treatment" as grounds for divorce. Consequently, they say, moneyed spouse (usually the husband) would have freedom to shelter the marital assets, hire an attorney, and start divorce proceedings before his wife ever suspects what is happening. NOW has asserted that judges routinely ignore domestic violence in NY and that this law would rubber stamp the practice.

Currently 95% of all divorces are settled out of court in NY. So perhaps the support no fault is  supported by the NYS Bar Association and the NYS Women's Bar Association is because their members will gain monetarily from the move, which will drive more cases into the courts? So why choose a fault divorce option when you have a "no fault" option? Some people don't want to wait out the period of separation required by their state's law for a no fault divorce. And, in some states, a spouse who proves the other's fault may receive a greater share of the marital property or more alimony.

But what about this... Without having fault and blame, there may be little need to work hard on the marriage. A person who wants to call it quits can -- quite simply and easily, too. As a matter of fact, it is probably harder to fire someone at work than it is to get divorced. At least in the office, employers create paper trails, look for reasons to dismiss, have conversations and meetings about whether all avenues have been exhausted before firing is a necessity, and even use probationary periods to try to determine how unworkable a person or a situation before simply canning the person.

Are we letting people off the hook to easily? Is NO FAULT the best way? What do you think?

The McCourt's in Court

As I sit here in court and watch Jamie and Frank McCourt duke it out over support, lawyers fees, and the like, I am floored by the numbers.  I mean - I knew they were rich, uber-rich even, but still the amount of money is absolutely mind-blowing. 

They lived in seven lavish homes; they flew in private jets; and they had hair stylists come to their house every day (my thought: oh my Gosh!).

HE spent $80,000 recently on a Caribbean vacation. Of course they also tried poking fun Jamie saying that she uses one home in Holmby Hills exclusively for swimming, another is used to store furniture, while a third in Malibu for laundry only. Whether you believe Frank is a poor billionaire or that Jamie spends like a drunken sailor, watching this all play out in court is barely palatable compared to the bigger issues at stake in other courtrooms. 



Dennis Wasser, Jamie’s divorce lawyer, began his argument in court with a Passover type question: Why is this case different from all other cases?  He answered his own question by talking about all the zeros.  First noting that the magnitude of the money - and the number of attorneys involved in the case - did make it different, he then added that it was in most other ways just like any other divorce case. That is, “the same rules apply,” he said.

Lots of zeros can make lots of difference. It will make a particularly big difference to the charities and organizations that the McCourts support. We heard all about perks and spousal support, but never heard about how their charities or social work would be affected (except for his two college projects: MIT and Georgetown). I wonder why?

Suprisingly, there is some good charity work in McCourt's history: Frank’s Grandfather started the Jimmy Fund Foundation (to fight cancer). Frank McCourt himself started ThinkCure – another cancer-fighting nonprofit. He is also a big contributor to the Dodger Dream Foundation (created to provide educational, athletic and recreational opportunities for the youth of the greater LA community). So what will happen to the funding of these organizations in all this mess? I guess that is not as important as NetJets and luxury suites.

Jamie asked for – get this! – about a million a month in temporary spousal support. Is she SERIOUS!? Some examples of monthly expenses: $25,000 monthly for spa treatments, $2,500 for weekly pedicures, and $10,000 for daily household expenses, including shopping trips to Rodeo Drive. The future court date was set for August 30 -- so I guess we’ll see what happens. 

The court proceedings were interrupted by what would appear to be more serious issues like when a father found out he was being forbidden from seeing his daughter for five years and broke out in screams; and another time when LA County Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon received a request for a restraining order in a domestic-violence case. 



Of course for most out there in the larger public the BIG issue -- which will have repercussions for Major League Baseball -- is whether Jamie is actually going to be a co-owner of the Dodgers, as she contends, or not. Bottom line is: I could do a lot more with the the close to 1 million that Jamie is requesting in support!